Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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