Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
