There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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