just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
