Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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