he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
