Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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