My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She announced her abortion via fbk
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
