You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
