There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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