I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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