Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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