Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You ruined the universe
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize