She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
