If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
