And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
