Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
