i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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