The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
