I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
