My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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