well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize