I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
