I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
