ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
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