his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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