I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
