just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
