Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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