rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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