The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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