I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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