Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
