Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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