my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
