imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
