u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
