well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize