Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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