i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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