so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
