i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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