i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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