I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
nutella sex= disaster
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
