Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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