Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
