90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
