We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
