Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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