I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
