I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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