you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
