I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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