would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
