They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
