Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
