i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
