You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
