Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
